Stitches's Threads

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Hurricane Stitchy
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Stitches's Threads

Post by Hurricane Stitchy » Sun Apr 23, 2017 9:22 am

Musings, journal entries, and posts.
"I'm so disappointed in you." Annasiel 2017

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Re: Stitches's Threads

Post by Hurricane Stitchy » Sun Apr 23, 2017 9:24 am

I found a song in my playlist that had a somber and depressing tone. That song happened to be “Kettering” by The Antlers. I hit the repeat button twice, putting it on an endless loop. I turned my phone to silent and set it aside, forgetting about it's existence in a moment. I reached out and flicked my light off, letting the dark of my room take over. And then, I laid down, my head foggy with thoughts.

I was slipping again, into that space that I hated to be in, that place that took my control away from me. Sometimes, it would make me hyper and chatty and uncontrollable. Those were the times I had to try to slow down and think, so I wouldn't do something impulsive. Something like cut all my hair off after work before heading home. Other times, I became tired and distant, locking myself in my room to avoid conversation for days. Those were the days I had to remind myself to think at all, to get up and not just lie there. I didn't always win on those days.

This was one of the latter days. I stared blankly ahead, listening to the music as it picked up in a crescendo. It felt like the kind of song you would listen to if you were going to drown yourself in alcohol and pills. Was that why I had chosen it? Was that what I wanted? To drown myself in some way that would destroy me forever? Ceasing to exist would definitely take away all of the self hate and disgust for myself. My thoughts trailed off, and for a few minutes, my mind shut down to the song again.

That was not what I wanted. My mind was tricking me, trying to confuse me. That's what you always hear people say about it. I was never sure if I believed things like that. Not after years of thinking things like that. I did know that I was sick, though, and that I needed help. I'd come to terms with this illness enough to know that. To understand what was happening, what I needed, and how to make it stop. But even as i thought it, it slipped away again, leaving my mind empty.

This would happen a lot. I was told that it was part of the illness I had. That the part of my brain that was sick with sadness tried to convince the rest of my brain not to do anything about it. A lot of times, it would last for hours. I would lay awake all night, fleeting thoughts occasionally drifting through my mind. But for the most part, I'd simply stare at the wall, the ceiling, and just try not to exist or to feel.

Feeling hurts me. That's the easiest way to explain it, because I don’t really understand it myself. I just know that sometimes, like around holidays or at parties and things, I would feel incredibly withdrawn and sad. Like, something had died inside me and I couldn't do anything. And it would last for days afterward. And everything would hurt. Lights too bright, everything too loud, every interaction with another person left me nearly comatose. I couldn't talk to anyone about it, or explain what was happening, because my throat would do that thing where it locks up and I only want to cry. I didn't like that. It was almost worse than just hurting in quiet.

No one could understand it. Sure, they say they do, but they don't really. For them, it goes away after a while and then everything is okay. They mope, say sad things, and then they get attention and affection and everything is all okay again.

That isn't this. This hollow hateful sadness inside me. I don't want attention or affection. It never stops. I've been sick with this for years. I play it down a lot, because I know that people care about me and get worried. But I've had this for seven years. It's been really bad in the past. Sometimes, I think I'm better and let my guard down. And then it hits me like a hurricane, a tornado, and a tsunami all at once and the pain drowns me again.

And then I'm back to the same question, the same question that always comes to me when I'm in this dark place.

Why am I alive?
"I'm so disappointed in you." Annasiel 2017

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Hurricane Stitchy
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Re: Stitches's Threads

Post by Hurricane Stitchy » Tue Apr 25, 2017 9:45 am

Resurrection: Prologue


England, 1878


The flames on the candles fluttered slightly in the wavering breeze that flowed through the cabin. Fragrances of lavender and sage scented the air, the smoke from the burning herbs hanging heavily in the air above the two figures that resided on the floor. One of these figures was deathly still, arranged carefully within a circle of symbols that had been drawn of the floorboards. His skin, already pale in life, was as white as a sheet, the veins darkened by the poisoned blood that sat still within them. His black hair was like an ink spill across the floor beneath his head. His clothing was immaculate; if you ignored the slice at his stomach, stained with dried blood from the blow that had killed him. The sleeves of his shirt were rolled up to the elbow, revealing strong forearms with black, dancing symbols along their lengths. His hands had been clasped together over an ankh, the ancient Egyptian symbol for life, that rested on his chest.

The second figure was much smaller. Not quite child sized, but not quite the size of an average woman her age. Her long, brilliant hair hung loose over the shoulders of her elegant black evening gown, the straight locks brushing her waist. Her eyes frantically reread the pages in the dark tome that she held in her hands, the golden brown pages crinkling as she passed between them. She slapped a long strand of the blazing locks of her hair back impatiently when it drifted over the pages. If she hadn't set everything up correctly, then her partner could come back wrong, or possessed. Two things she really, really didn't want.

After checking once more that everything was right, from the burning herbs to the lines on each of the symbols, she stood at his feet, just outside the circle of runes. She raised the book as high as her shoulders and focused inward as she swallowed her fear and steadied her hands. The air around her seemed to pulsate and grow thick with a building energy, and with her mind she pierced the thin veil holding it back. The power rushed over her and as she spoke, the words hung heavy and electric in the air.

"I call back you who has departed. I demand your return from the realm you have entered, and back into the land you left. I summon only you, and all others be gone! Return, Desmond Genesis!"
"I'm so disappointed in you." Annasiel 2017

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Hurricane Stitchy
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Re: Stitches's Threads

Post by Hurricane Stitchy » Wed Jun 21, 2017 1:43 pm

Um. Highly depressing and confusing poem influenced by the song Thistle and Weeds by Mumford and Sons.


Spare me your judgments
Spare me your dreams
For mine have left me alone
Tearing at my seams
Unraveling the threads
Of my very being
Leaving me helpless
To the visions I'm seeing
To the words I'm hearing

I seem to find myself
Giving up again
Fighting back feelings
That I can't explain
Waiting alone in this room
That I've locked myself in
With my faith in shreds
Avoiding kith and kin
As I once again give in

I'm lighting a match,
My last one, so I fear
Killing half my soul
So far, yet so near
Just out of reach
Just out of touch
Once again too dark to see
Feeling all too much

I know you can feel
Much more love than you've shown
I know that you've felt
Much safer without me
I begged you to hear me
To follow my voice
But it's gotten too dark here
And you ignore by choice

I want to be heard
And I want to be held
But instead I am silent
And my soul is felled
How can you say
Your truth is better than mine?
I gave you my all
And called you divine
An exchange for a knife in my spine
"I'm so disappointed in you." Annasiel 2017

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