Stitches's Threads

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Stitches's Threads

Post by Stitches » Sun Apr 23, 2017 9:22 am

Musings, journal entries, and posts.
"I'm so disappointed in you." Annasiel 2017

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Re: Stitches's Threads

Post by Stitches » Sun Apr 23, 2017 9:24 am

I found a song in my playlist that had a somber and depressing tone. That song happened to be “Kettering” by The Antlers. I hit the repeat button twice, putting it on an endless loop. I turned my phone to silent and set it aside, forgetting about it's existence in a moment. I reached out and flicked my light off, letting the dark of my room take over. And then, I laid down, my head foggy with thoughts.

I was slipping again, into that space that I hated to be in, that place that took my control away from me. Sometimes, it would make me hyper and chatty and uncontrollable. Those were the times I had to try to slow down and think, so I wouldn't do something impulsive. Something like cut all my hair off after work before heading home. Other times, I became tired and distant, locking myself in my room to avoid conversation for days. Those were the days I had to remind myself to think at all, to get up and not just lie there. I didn't always win on those days.

This was one of the latter days. I stared blankly ahead, listening to the music as it picked up in a crescendo. It felt like the kind of song you would listen to if you were going to drown yourself in alcohol and pills. Was that why I had chosen it? Was that what I wanted? To drown myself in some way that would destroy me forever? Ceasing to exist would definitely take away all of the self hate and disgust for myself. My thoughts trailed off, and for a few minutes, my mind shut down to the song again.

That was not what I wanted. My mind was tricking me, trying to confuse me. That's what you always hear people say about it. I was never sure if I believed things like that. Not after years of thinking things like that. I did know that I was sick, though, and that I needed help. I'd come to terms with this illness enough to know that. To understand what was happening, what I needed, and how to make it stop. But even as i thought it, it slipped away again, leaving my mind empty.

This would happen a lot. I was told that it was part of the illness I had. That the part of my brain that was sick with sadness tried to convince the rest of my brain not to do anything about it. A lot of times, it would last for hours. I would lay awake all night, fleeting thoughts occasionally drifting through my mind. But for the most part, I'd simply stare at the wall, the ceiling, and just try not to exist or to feel.

Feeling hurts me. That's the easiest way to explain it, because I don’t really understand it myself. I just know that sometimes, like around holidays or at parties and things, I would feel incredibly withdrawn and sad. Like, something had died inside me and I couldn't do anything. And it would last for days afterward. And everything would hurt. Lights too bright, everything too loud, every interaction with another person left me nearly comatose. I couldn't talk to anyone about it, or explain what was happening, because my throat would do that thing where it locks up and I only want to cry. I didn't like that. It was almost worse than just hurting in quiet.

No one could understand it. Sure, they say they do, but they don't really. For them, it goes away after a while and then everything is okay. They mope, say sad things, and then they get attention and affection and everything is all okay again.

That isn't this. This hollow hateful sadness inside me. I don't want attention or affection. It never stops. I've been sick with this for years. I play it down a lot, because I know that people care about me and get worried. But I've had this for seven years. It's been really bad in the past. Sometimes, I think I'm better and let my guard down. And then it hits me like a hurricane, a tornado, and a tsunami all at once and the pain drowns me again.

And then I'm back to the same question, the same question that always comes to me when I'm in this dark place.

Why am I alive?
"I'm so disappointed in you." Annasiel 2017

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Re: Stitches's Threads

Post by Stitches » Tue Apr 25, 2017 9:45 am

Resurrection: Prologue

England, 1878

The flames on the candles fluttered slightly in the wavering breeze that flowed through the cabin. Fragrances of lavender and sage scented the air, the smoke from the burning herbs hanging heavily in the air above the two figures that resided on the floor. One of these figures was deathly still, arranged carefully within a circle of symbols that had been drawn of the floorboards. His skin, already pale in life, was as white as a sheet, the veins darkened by the poisoned blood that sat still within them. His black hair was like an ink spill across the floor beneath his head. His clothing was immaculate; if you ignored the slice at his stomach, stained with dried blood from the blow that had killed him. The sleeves of his shirt were rolled up to the elbow, revealing strong forearms with black, dancing symbols along their lengths. His hands had been clasped together over an ankh, the ancient Egyptian symbol for life, that rested on his chest.

The second figure was much smaller. Not quite child sized, but not quite the size of an average woman her age. Her long, brilliant hair hung loose over the shoulders of her elegant black evening gown, the straight locks brushing her waist. Her eyes frantically reread the pages in the dark tome that she held in her hands, the golden brown pages crinkling as she passed between them. She slapped a long strand of the blazing locks of her hair back impatiently when it drifted over the pages. If she hadn't set everything up correctly, then her partner could come back wrong, or possessed. Two things she really, really didn't want.

After checking once more that everything was right, from the burning herbs to the lines on each of the symbols, she stood at his feet, just outside the circle of runes. She raised the book as high as her shoulders and focused inward as she swallowed her fear and steadied her hands. The air around her seemed to pulsate and grow thick with a building energy, and with her mind she pierced the thin veil holding it back. The power rushed over her and as she spoke, the words hung heavy and electric in the air.

"I call back you who has departed. I demand your return from the realm you have entered, and back into the land you left. I summon only you, and all others be gone! Return, Desmond Genesis!"
"I'm so disappointed in you." Annasiel 2017

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Re: Stitches's Threads

Post by Stitches » Wed Jun 21, 2017 1:43 pm

Um. Highly depressing and confusing poem influenced by the song Thistle and Weeds by Mumford and Sons.

Spare me your judgments
Spare me your dreams
For mine have left me alone
Tearing at my seams
Unraveling the threads
Of my very being
Leaving me helpless
To the visions I'm seeing
To the words I'm hearing

I seem to find myself
Giving up again
Fighting back feelings
That I can't explain
Waiting alone in this room
That I've locked myself in
With my faith in shreds
Avoiding kith and kin
As I once again give in

I'm lighting a match,
My last one, so I fear
Killing half my soul
So far, yet so near
Just out of reach
Just out of touch
Once again too dark to see
Feeling all too much

I know you can feel
Much more love than you've shown
I know that you've felt
Much safer without me
I begged you to hear me
To follow my voice
But it's gotten too dark here
And you ignore by choice

I want to be heard
And I want to be held
But instead I am silent
And my soul is felled
How can you say
Your truth is better than mine?
I gave you my all
And called you divine
An exchange for a knife in my spine
"I'm so disappointed in you." Annasiel 2017

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Re: Stitches's Threads

Post by Stitches » Sun Jan 14, 2018 1:07 pm

Hey, who wants to see what my nightmares look like?

It was their anniversary. Their three year anniversary, to be exact, and Xander had taken Arcadia out to dinner at the same restaurant that they had had their very first date at. It was a brisk autumn day, and they had chosen to walk the half hour there and back instead of taking the car. While neither of them were drinkers, they might as well have been drunk on their happiness. They came out of the restaurant, hands clasped, Cadie giggling like a kid at something her partner had said.

“That is so not true, you're messing with me, I know it!” Her smile was questioning as she turned to look up at him, the laughter in her voice making him smile mischievously.

“It is absolutely true. Hippos in Africa are actually pink like in children's shows. I swear to God. I'll take you there and show you someday.”

“Africa? Are you for real? We can't even get our act together to go to Illinois to see Mary.”

Xander smiled and spun Arcadia in a circle, as though they were dancing in a ballroom as opposed to walking home from dinner. She laughed and tumbled into his chest, her hands laying over his shoulders as she relaxed into his arms.

“Then I guess we better get our act together so we can go see some pink hippos.”

His hands traveled from her waist where he had caught her up her arms. Butterfly light fingers trailed up her neck to wind in her hair. She willingly tilted her head back before he could do it himself and gave him the softest of smiles. There was a heartbeat where they were both still before he leaned in and kissed her, lightly, gently. Her hands slipped up into his hair as she stood on her tiptoes, drawn to him like a moth to a flame. When he withdrew, their eyes met. There would be plenty time for more when they got home, but that didn't mean they didn't both want more now.

Just then, a cruel sounding laugh came from ahead of them. Three men stood lounging under a street lamp on the trail, watching them. In a slight gesture, Xander edged himself in front of Cadie, his eyes directing her back the way they had come. She turned to start walking, but stopped still when she saw the outline of two more men waiting just behind them. Panic started to rise in her throat as she latched onto his wrist hard.


“Cadie, stay behind me. If anything happens, run back towards the city.”

“But you-”

“I'm not asking. Don't worry about me.”

“Yeah sweetheart, don't worry about him. He isn't the one we're interested in.”

The same man who had laughed before took a few easy steps forward, looking the couple over. Cadie glanced around once more, checking for anyone else hiding in the shadows. But there was no one. Just the five who were looking at her and Xander like drugs they were going through withdrawals from.

“Well I guess you're out of luck. You're not touching her.”

The redhead looked up sharply, glancing at her boyfriend's hard expression. She had yet to have a reason to see this side of him, and for a moment she was worried. The hard flatness of his voice and the set of his jaw were frightening on the usually open and happy face she knew.

Cadie’s attention was drawn away as the rest of the thugs stepped up. Her heart immediately sank as she took in their sizes. Xander was horribly outmatched, and not much of a fighter to begin with. His health had never been the best, and he would surely give out fairly soon after the fight began.
The tension rose as the thugs circled around the couple. Everything was still, Xander and the leader staring each other down. Then all at once, everyone moved. One of the men darted in and ripped Cadie away from Xander, while two of the others were quick to restrain him when he moved to get her back.

“Get the fuck away from her, or I swear-”

The leader threw a punch square at Xander’s jaw, a sharp cracking noise emanating from the collision. Cadie screamed and struggled against her captor, straining to get to him before he got any more hurt. The man holding her slapped a hand over her mouth, wrapping his other arm entirely around her center, trapping her arms at her side. Tears started to sting her eyes as the thug took a second shot, landed a punch straight to Xander’s stomach. He coughed violently, his breathing already turning ragged. A third shot connected to the side of his head, a fourth to the chest.

All the while, there was nothing Cadie could do to help him. Her struggling got her nowhere, and she soon stopped trying to scream. Her eyes were fixed before her and the man threw punch after punch at Xander, who appeared to be barely conscious. Finally, the man waved his hands, prompting the two to drop him to the ground. A noise of horror escaped her lips as she tried again to get to him. But they weren't down with them yet. The man paced a few steps while watching Xander struggle to get back up.

Even though he wasn't looking her way, Cadie silently shook her head at him, begging him internally to just stay down.

He didn't.

And as he got to his knees, the leader turned and kicked him in the stomach, knocking him back down. A second kick met his ribs, cracking them on contact as he rolled over onto his back. The man laughed, his eyes wide as he watched Xander spit out a mouthful of blood onto the grass. He crouched next to his head, and from his boot drew out a knife, which he waved in front of the younger man’s eyes.

“You should have just walked away, you fucking idiot. But don't worry. I'll take good care of your girl after I finish with you.”

And with that, the knife stabbed down, meeting Xander’s stomach. He coughed on pain, a spat of blood tailing off his cheek. Cadie bit down on her captor’s hand and slammed her boot heel into his shin as the thug raised his blade and stabbed it down again. The man holding her screamed in pain as she ran back toward the group, but the same man knocked her on the side of her head, and she tumbled to the ground a mere ten feet from the others.
She screamed and struggled as the blade ascended a third time, this time coming down in the hollow of his throat. A fourth time as she broke free again in his chest, and a fifth time as she reached them. The blade grazed her arm as she tried to stop it, slamming down under his chin. The men were quick to react, grabbing her and pushing her away as their leader laughed, smiling over his shoulder at her as he stabbed Xander one, two, three more times.
She watched his eyes slip closed, watched as his breathing halted. And she cried as she watched the man continue to stab his now empty shell.

Her head was thick and her vision blurry as she opened her eyes. The back of her head throbbed, and her arms were suspended above her head in chains. The room was dark, but her eyes quickly adjusted as she looked around the room. She was in the corner of a nearly empty room. Standing in the center was a sacrificial altar style table.

And strapped to it was Alexander.

All at once, Cadie snapped to awareness, tugging herself up by the chains. She eyed the chains around her arms and their groundings. There was no way she was going to get free. But Alex, on closer examination, was only secured with velcro straps.

“Alex! Hunny, wake up, please. Wake up!!”

“I AM awake, Cadie. I can't move. I've already tried.”

Her eyes widened as she moved as far forward as she could with her restraints. It left her just out of touching range. Her lip trembled slightly as she looked at his prone figure, strapped to the table. There was an ever sinking feeling in her stomach.

“What happened to us, Alex?”

“I don't know. Just… don't fight. No matter what happens, you keep you alive. Understand?”

She gave a shaky nod as the door on the far side opened.The men that came through were dressed in cult like robes, and in the dark light she couldn't see their faces. One of them, upon entering, turned to look at her, long and steady. She took the hint, and slowly backed into her corner again. Her eyes stayed desperately fixed to Xander as they filed in. Before the door had closed, she had counted nine men.

There was no warning, no sacrificial warning, no chance to say goodbye. The knife was just suddenly there, carving into Alex’s stomach. They both screamed, and the cloaked men closed in ranks around the table, blocking her view. It didn't stop her from hearing the sounds as she desperately began yanking at her chains, trying to do anything that might let her get free. Sounds of flesh being torn, of blood spraying and of his screams. Screams that would haunt her forever.

It wasn't long until her wrists began to bleed from her straining, and not long after, his screams abruptly stopped. A random spray splattered across her cheek and arm, and she could only assume his throat had been cut. She fell back down on her knees, eyes fixed on the floor, those terrible noises still filling her ears. It hit her at once, and she turned away and threw up violently, coughing and choking on the tears that were clouding her already dim vision.

She stayed that way, turned away, head hung, suspended only by the chains, until the noises stopped. And then a chill ran down her back as she felt their eyes turn on her. Slowly, she lifted her head back up, eyes swollen red and blurry. They had all turned, heads tilted down to look at her. Their dark cloaks were splattered with blood and pieces of her boyfriend, and she felt the bile rise up again. She didn't have a chance to turn away, as one leaned in and grabbed her jaw tightly.

She sat absolutely still, her eyes wide and fixed on the man's face. She couldn't make out the details, but she could see that they didn't have many to begin with. Their “faces” seemed to be composed of wide, jagged mouths filled with rows of teeth. A second one came in closer, holding a bowl out to the one holding ger in place. The first dipped his hand into the bowl and plucked something out of it, and with the hand holding her face, he slipped his thumb up and pushed her mouth open. He forced the piece into her mouth and then closed her mouth, holding his hand over her mouth.


The taste of blood was enough to make Cadie gag and try to pull away. She had to spit it out, she couldn't, wouldn't do it. Her breathing became rapid as the creature grasped the back of her head to keep her still, now moving his hand to cover her nose as well. Tears slid from her eyes as her lungs began to burn from the lack of oxygen.

He told her to do whatever they wanted. He told her to stay alive.

She swallowed.

The hands moved away, and she gasped in a breath and turned to gag it back up, but the hands quickly returned.

A second piece forced into her mouth.
"I'm so disappointed in you." Annasiel 2017

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Re: Stitches's Threads

Post by Stitches » Wed Jun 20, 2018 6:58 am

The sun shines down on me from above,
Clouds dancing through the blue,
While the grass beneath me is crushed
As I take in the lovely view.

All is quiet on my hill.
There’s no sound to be heard,
Not from the machines of men
Nor from the chirping of the birds.

I tilt my head back further,
Entranced by the wisps above me,
Enraptured by the breeze on my skin,
Breathtakingly spread beneath my tree.

The sun on my shoulders is gentle and free,
The only warmth left within my form,
As the cold has begun to settle in,
The result of the my personal storm.

A smile to the dancing wind around me,
A lingering breath in stunning silence,
As eyes without sight tightly shut
A final sign of a dying defiance.

Fingers ache as wrists go numb,
And legs grow too heavy to move,
A tongue with so many words unspoken,
But a mind with nothing left to prove.
"I'm so disappointed in you." Annasiel 2017

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